I spent some time on the road last night, and, being the thoughtful citizen I am, decided to create a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ’s) regarding the stretch of Route 3 between Lowell and Route 95. Without further ado:

1. Do I have to obey the speed limit?
Heavens no! In fact, we suggest rolling a six-sided die and using the result to determine your speed. Anything between 15 mph and 90 mph is acceptable. Don’t worry about looking at the road while you roll either (see question 5 for more info on this).

2. I see some funny lines painted on the road – what do those mean?
Nothing. Pay no heed to them.

3. But really, my friend told me something about “lanes” – what are they?
On some of our competitor’s roads, you might find yourself locked in driving how they want you to drive. On Route 3, we let you decide. You’ll notice that even though there are “lane markers” in some places (remnants from times past, we assure you), it’s not conceivable that you could fit two cars abreast due to the jersey barriers we’ve erected.

4. Is it okay to drive with my high-beams on?
Sure. Some drivers might complain that high-beams blind them or distract them, but they’re wimps. Trust us on this one.

5. Can I weave back and forth erratically on your road?
Yes please! You’ll notice not a single stretch of more than 20 yards of road is actually in a straight line – this is actually by design. Wouldn’t want anyone falling asleep from boredom, now would we?

6. Does your road suck?
No! Of course not. You’ve been listening to that DZ character again, haven’t you?

posted January 30, 2003 – 8:02 pm
Old News
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